The Chronicles of a Witty Observer

Six Witty Observations: On-The-Way-To-Work Edition


1. Waking Up. Closing your eyes and waking up to your alarm should be two distinctly separate activities, divided by an interval of five hours or more. Today, they seemed to be apart by mere seconds. Hello grogginess, thy name is 6:30 AM (to the tune of Wilson Phillip’s ‘Hold On’ in all it’s ironic glory).

2. Passports. Apparently, I need the proper travel visas in order to make a left out of my driveway. School buses, cars, trucks, even a crazy punk riding a bicycle wouldn’t allow me to leave my own house for a solid six minutes (I kept track, amazing as it was in my grogginess). I think my papers expired last week when I went to pick up milk.

3. Traffic Lights. The New York State Traffic Authority is accusing me of being a communist sympathizer, and I know this because every single stop light from home to work turned a bright red as soon as they saw me coming. I think I’m being watched.

4. Weather Conditions. Mother Nature is a hard ass in Central New York. Her windy tufts of dandruff swirling slowly about the road apparently tempt drivers to not only speed up, but poorly parallel-park on the sides of narrow back roads, rendering a two-way exchange on said road nearly impossible. But that’s silly. Mother Nature would do nothing to hurt us…like allowing these insane jerks to live. She’s simply attempting to speed up the process of natural selection.

5. Time Travel. My car officially out-awesomed the TARDIS. When I left my car in the parking lot at my workplace, it was 7:58. When I entered the building after a walk of approximately 15 seconds, it was already 8:09. How DID I do it?

Which, when combined, brings me to…

6. I left the house 10 minutes early, yet arrived at work 10 minutes late. Well, fuck me.

There will be a longer, more meaningful post soon. Sorry I haven’t updated in so long. I’m planning something great for when I stop being lazy and write it.

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