The Chronicles of a Witty Observer

If I am what I eat, does that mean I’m nuts?

Forgive me, humble readers of my blog, for writing about what is on my mind today as opposed to what you care to read about, but I’ve been back at school for about a month now, and already I miss the little things I don’t get outside The Bubble that is my campus.

Like, food.

REAL food.

I know I’ve written in the past about how shitty my campus’ single dining hall treats its students and how limited the food choices can be. But it’s been especially limited in recent days to fried chicken smothered in heavy creams, soggy squash medleys, and mushrooms, mushrooms, mushrooms.

Mushrooms rank between televangelists and exercise on the mile-long list of things I hate. That’s in the top 20.

The past few days I’ve barely eaten at all, because the new BC I’m on is making me one look at Glenn Beck (#7) away from vomiting all over the room at any given point during the day. The Dining Hall is being so kind as to endorse my former food phobia, making my boyfriend nervous and sparking that dangerous way I use to obsessively count calories down to the single digits.

So at least there’s nothing in my stomach to vomit up, right?

But at the same time I’ve been experiencing what has become an annual event with me: the mid-winter What-The-Hell cravings. Last year it was for star fruit and dried mangoes. The year before it was honey-roasted peanuts. This year, it seems to be taking the form of grilled salmon. Fresh grilled salmon on top of a pile of basmati rice with toasty brussel sprouts and asparagus. Sweet, filling, good-for-you sustenance. The ideal salmon filet would have been grilled on a cedar plank with brown sugar on top (not too much, but just enough to add a little sweetness to it). The cedar plank I discovered this summer.

Forgive me while I go drool a little. Oh wait, I’ve got morning sickness, so never mind that. My point is, look at all the stuff I crave this time of year. Fresh, healthy, yet still mouth-watering things. My blue rice cooker can only give me so much pasta and Zatarains beans and rice (which is high in sodium anyway) before I want something other than quick carbs.

I’ve probably had the equivalent of one small steak’s worth of protein in the past two WEEKS. It’s clear in that I’m getting drowsier every day and how it’s getting harder to stay on the treadmill. I even experienced some chest-tightening and breathlessness during a workout I’d successfully and comfortably done for a few weeks the other day. I’m pretty nutrient-deficient right now. A lot of people are this time of year. But I get so pissed off when I can legitimately trace a lot of it back to the fact that my school’s dining hall forces me to resort to cereal for three meals a day.

I could logically buy my own food and cook it…but that’s just it. Like many college students, I have neither the time nor the talent to cook something like my salmon dream platter for dinner on any given night. Not to mention, the dorm kitchens lack the necessary sources (for instance, a GRILL) with which to make said items.

Also, I’m going to Hawaii in a month for Spring Break (!) so I lack the cash to be able to fund a quest for fresh fish and mushroom-less chicken soup (seriously, mushrooms belong in beef-flavored soups which I stay clear away from anyway). I’m stuck to crackers, cereal, and English muffins (with a little cherry jam for color/flavor).

And we can stop eating these things and let the Italian plumbers in the next castle over take care of them…

I think it sucks when you’re in my position. I have expensive/healthy food tastes but no means by which to satisfy them (at least while I’m at school). It’s the same with my fashion sense. I’ve always wanted a gorgeous gown that flatters my chunkish figure, but when I find one, it’s no less than 200 bucks.

My only other option is the Express Café, which the Dining Hall runs because the only coffee/sandwich shop in town inexplicably closes down for the winter. It has ready-to-heat food and parfaits and stuff, but it’s obviously just leftovers from yesterday put in containers and slapped with insane prices ($5.50 for a bowl of chicken and rice the size of a Wendy’s salad container). Students are given a credit card with a 100-dollar balance, but that does NOT last long, between the overpriced chef salads and exceedingly delicious raspberry-chocolate steamers (made with skim milk, so even I can have them!) that eat up my account.

Did I mention the Express Café used to be free with every meal plan? Not the case anymore. Good ol’ Wells! Exploiting it’s already-poor students for every damn penny their worth!

I know I already mentioned the fact that the lack of healthy food is extra-dangerous for someone like me who’s deathly afraid of regressing back into that which was this past summer’s calorie-obsessed hellhole. I’m fighting back the mindset, of course, with all the support I have backing me up.

But sometimes it isn’t enough.

Dear Wells College Dining Hall, Fuck you.

Fuck you for not listening to the students. Fuck you for being so obsessed with goddamned mushrooms and creamy bases that turn even asparagus spears into heart-attacks waiting to happen (they aren’t even GOOD creamy bases). Fuck you for putting out hamburgers every day but ignoring the requests that vegetarian options become more regular.

Most importantly, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you for starving me. Yes, I do, I fact, partially blame you. Signed, Me.

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