The Chronicles of a Witty Observer

Why I’m Not Married (You know, other than the fact I’m barely 22)

Ah, feminism! No, strike that.

Ah, women who claim to be feminists but clearly don’t know what they’re talking about!

People tend to see feminism in three different ways, from my experience. You have those who think feminism involves a bunch of angry butch lesbians yelling at state capitol buildings. You have the wiley career women who ‘don’t need a man to be happy. In fact, men are scum.’

Then you have me, who’s pretty average but simply likes the belief that women are equal to (NOT greater) than men. And I find that a pretty simple-but-blunt belief to have. It all comes down to one word for me: choices. Give women choices. Every choice a man has to make and every possible option he has should be the same for a lady. Just because our junk is different doesn’t mean we need to be stuck under a veil and made to pop out babies to feel important. Options, opportunities, whatever you call it, THAT is where I consider the root of my feminist beliefs. Plain as day.

So naturally, when I came upon a certain article by Tracy McMillain of Huffingtonpost.com that literally justifies why some thirtysomething women are unmarried by insulting them, I get a little miffed.

The gist of the article is that naturally, every woman WANTS to get married. But sometimes she can’t seem to figure out why she isn’t. Its plagued her night and day, and what it comes down to is: IT’S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT! It’s not guys. It’s not your career. It’s not the fact that marriage just may not interest you, or that you’re a lesbian and are, sadly, legally not allowed…

IT’S BECAUSE YOU SUCK!

Literally, click on the link and read the article. You’ll find that our dear friend Tracy McMillian reasons that YOU (yes, YOU, behind the guy with the big nose) are not married (even though you obviously want to be, because you’re a single woman in your thirties) because:

A-You’re a Bitch
B-You’re Shallow
C-You’re a Slut
D-You’re a Liar
E-You’re Selfish
F-You’re Not Good Enough.

Each perfectly logical explanation more insulting than the last. I supposed this is supposed to pass for quirky-yet-wise irony. You know, because this dame says herself that she’s been married/divorced three times and therefore is perfectly qualified in giving marital advice.

Before I even begin my angry go-around, let me just say that my impression from this woman is yes, she considers herself a feminist. Her writing oozes ‘girl power’ in tones that went out when the Spice Girls broke up. She’s attempting to give woman-to-woman advice, so maybe her intentions aren’t all that shitty. But she still makes her case sound like it belongs in a Cosmo column from 1956, and it ultimately insults women way more than it answers their questions.

So, shall I break this down into categories and rip each section a new one individually? As my Improv Professor used to say: Yes! Lets! (Theater joke that probably went 10 feet over your head).

A- You’re a bitch.
McMillian’s delightful little way of saying ‘you’re angry, and men want to marry nice women.’

The way she expresses it in the article is that being ‘angry’ means being politically opinionated and openly expressing any sort of dissatisfaction you may have. She even sites Kim Kardashian as a GOOD example of the type of woman men want to marry (despite the fact it was a comparison made totally out of thin air and made no sense no matter how many times I read it).

Yeah, she’s not angry at all. She’s the one.

This demented little piece of advice straight from Betty Crocker quite frankly makes me MORE angry. Basically, don’t have a loud mouth, don’t have dislikes, and don’t let on that you’re a good debater until AFTER the wedding. If you dare say ANYTHING bad, no man will want to get within fifty feet of you or your big mouth. I guess the whole thing went to shit the minute I realized that THIS is what she means by ‘you’re a bitch.’ Men like quite, submissive bimbos who don’t get politically active or have strong opinions at all.  I’m sure that’s why Michelle Obama’s not marri–OH WAIT A SECOND!

B-You’re Shallow.
Yeah, some women are shallow. Some women hold out for the handsome rich guy that only exists in Lifetime Movies. And they never find him. Some women do have highly unrealistic images in their mind that prvent them from giving real men a shot. I could ALMOST get behind this one…

…if it weren’t for the fact that shallowness is encoded into women’s DNA, so there’s a biological basis behind it.

There’s a very WELL KNOWN (TRACY!) study where women of different ethnicity, social standing, and appearance were given articles of clothing that were sweated in (ew) by men of the same variation of categories. It was seen that overwhelmingly, women said that the clothing that corresponded with their male equivalent in every way was best-smelling.

It’s basically an evolutionary trait that dates back thousands of years with the human race, developed for the purpose of sexual selection. It’s seen in many other species too. And McMillian is blaming women for that one too.

C-You’re a Slut.
Aka- ‘You sleep around and that fucks your judgment.’

The thing is, she uses science to back up THIS ONE, by claiming it’s all because of a hormone called oxytocin. If women sleep around too much, they’re going to lose focus of the whole marriage part.

Calling a woman who has lots of sex a ‘slut’ is enough to piss me off.  Assuming that all women would prefer getting married to being a free lover makes me want to drop kick this lady.

I myself express less of an interest in marriage and would prefer living a free-love lifestyle (if that’s the way I was heading), or even just living with a partner without having to take the vows. It’s a strange idea to many, not at all traditionalist. But I guess it makes me a slut, because commitment isn’t the first thing that pops into my mind when I fuck somebody.

D-You’re  a Liar.
Here, McMillian is saying you don’t want to scare guys off (I guess you’re not a bitch anymore) so you lie and say you don’t mind waiting as long as the partner needs to come around.

I’m not even touching this one. I could go on for pages on how ridiculously assumptive and Jennifer-Aniston-movie-ish this is.

Or Jim Carrey-ish. Take your pick.

E- You’re Selfish.

“If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you.”

That was VERBATIM! I am not kidding. Where do you get off saying that, Ms. McMillian? Is marriage the automatic transformation of a selfish bitch into a generous, subservient woman? Is it SUPPOSED to be and I just didn’t get the memo?

Seriously, she’s beginning to make marriage out to be this be-all end-all event that is meant to change free-loving hippie scum into Stepford Wives!  In fact, I’m not even going to argue this. I’m just going to post what TRACY MCMILLIAN says and let you kick her ass yourself:

“A good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say — if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.”

So far, ladies, if you’re not married, you’re a self-absorbed sex-crazed shrew. If you ARE married, then you’re having kids (duh) and finally a functioning member of society. Oh boy, I can’t fucking wait for the last one…

F-You’re Not Good Enough.

There you have it, ladies. You’re not married yet because YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I know I could go in depth, but again, I don’t believe I will. In fact, I can sum up this whole thing with two words.

FUCK. YOU.

Tracy McMillian, no matter what you say, you are clearly not a feminist. Your ideas are warped and should be launched into space like Sputnik and never heard of again. You’re presumptive and extremely lacking in any idea that women have a CHOICE nowadays to not get married and have children. You’re saying that if you’re not married, something if very wrong with you and you should change yourself, get rid of all your political opinions (and sex partners) and woman-up to being a wife.

Because being a wife is what every woman dreams of.

Forgive me for not living in a Disney movie, Ms. McMillian, but your insults simply make me laugh in the end. Oh yeah, they make me angry too. Because I’m a bitch. Which means I’ll never get married.

Pity me, then. My life is over.

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One response

  1. I think you have perfectly portrayed the outrage that I myself felt when reading that article, so I don’t really have much to say on that.

    However, I would also just like to point out that I agree with you – women are not greater than men, but are equal to them. I think the majority of women forget that was the original purpose behind the women’s rights movement.

    March 3, 2011 at 7:09 pm

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